marientina: Countdown to YOUR MFA

It is midnight again and as it usually happens, while most people around this time turn into a pumpkin, I come up with something important to say, write or do. Or so I think anyway...:)

The lab was so empty today. I almost felt like a student working after hours again. And then I had to send out that bitchy email about you leaving the doors open. I don't want to suspend your privileges really. But I might have to do it. What is fair will come to me soon.

I remember my long hours at the lab. Especially before the show. The day was really special but it took me months to remember what happened again. The last five weeks especially...I took over an entire room to setup my show. Stayed there all night. Slept on the couch only to be woken up by techs coming in to fire up the Access Grid. And then there was Geoffrey.

At times like these, everyone needs a hero. And Geoffrey was my hero. Driving in the middle of the night to Home Depot...driving to the grocery store, laughing, crashing, brainstorming. I remember funny moments like calibrating cameras while listening to Nina Simone at max volume at odd times. And then there he was singing the lyrics to Oklahoma. Anyone who knows Geoff would find that crazy. And then there were the rumors about us sleeping together because nobody can imagine that you can have a friend like Geoff. And he will kill me if he reads this.

Testing, testing, testing. Hundreds of lines of code here and there. Strenuous committee meetings where nobody was happy. And then came the last week. And three days before the show Kang came up with the most stable yet version of tracking. And two days before the show came dance rehearsals. And then came an army of volunteers. We were on the tightest schedule ever.

Volunteers make EVL special. Students line up to help the graduating MFA's because they seem to enjoy watching the turmoil and the madness at work. I volunteered for others, even if it just meant dressing up to be the prettiest goddamn hostess ever. It was important. And when my day came and thirty people appeared to want to help, I was much honored.

The night before the show was a miracle. I was in a frenzy, tuning and tuning and tuning and cleaning and setting up for the show. Marcus passed out on the couch. Geoff passed out on a countertop and I ran from one room to the next trying to find out why on earth the network was so noisy and Performer was so flaky. The network queen was being punished by the network. Soon morning came and Alan and the other support people set everything to a local network so to not rely on the school network performance for tracking. I was too fried to even do that myself.

After that, I *think* that we went home and slept for two hours. I took a shower, put on my turquoise linen dress and ran off to prep for the reception. A few hours later it started: the food, the people, the dance company, the fuss. It was relentless. Geoff and I kept a distance as if we had so overdosed on being around each other. But it all worked. It was a miracle. We were slammed with people and the dancers got nervous. I remember grabbing and hugging Robynne in the anechoic chamber/dressing room and telling her it will all be ok. I remember my godmother wondering why I was barefoot the whole time.

I don't remember how the day ended. So many people that I didn't know came. And then the people I knew were pleased. And the people I loved came in for at least one of the two days. My dad was proud. My uncle was so impressed that he paid for the catering. I don't think that my mother even called but it didn't matter anymore. The last performance was for the group of my closest friends. I remember so little of so much. Even when you think it is over it isn't.

Then came the documentation and the paper and the video and the revisions from the committee. I drove for two hours getting continually lost while crying to get to Drew's house to sign off on the papers at the last minute. And within days, I was moving out of state after eight years of a fully accessorized home. And I was bitter for all my previous relationships, all the stuff I had, and about the fact that neither ex came for the show. Little things like that.

I can't quite describe the experience even two years later but for me it was magical. And the people around me helped me get through it one way or another. And I was the last one to perform on my floors...

Two years later, I am still living with my debt incurred on my last 1.5 years of my 4 year MFA stint. I could have just stuck to my business and I would have been golden right now. Making money on my own has never been a problem for me. But I remembered the teenager who picked up a TIME magazine with Dan Sandin and Tom DeFanti on the cover vowing to study VR at EVL, the teenager who worked all her summers at her dad's hotel gift shop, the teenager who painted in the middle of the night much to her mother's dismay, the teenager who left home at seventeen, the teenager who partied hard and worked harder...that was me. So I had to do the damn MFA if it killed me.

Sure I picked up a few bruises on the way but so what? What I am trying to say is, make it special. If your first time getting laid sucked, this is your time to make up for it. It can really be that good.

What are you waiting for? I will be standing by all of you kicking your ass and holding your hand.

Comments

Wow! I only hope my thesis experience is that memorable...and I hope I get it done in the first place...

Posted by: msteffen | March 8, 2005 9:22 AM

There is no doubt that our experiences @ USC will help shape our lives. Many of us make huge sacrifices to come back to school (after successful careers) to better ourselves, evolve as creative leaders, and fine-tune our talents.

I agree that this is a HUGE commitment. $100,000 is more than most people save in a DECADE. Three years is more than 10% of the average graduate student’s life. The support of faculty, staff, and peers is essential; thank you!

Posted by: andrew | March 8, 2005 9:55 AM

thanks for the honesty. your recount reminds me of art school and me working on my senior show...and makes me miss the environment of people working with passion.

I can sympathise with the lonely feeling of working in the lab. It's gotten better with the game innovation lab and the door in between (thank god for that accident). While people can, and do work at home and on their laptops, or can't communte often, as I've said before, I think the way the ZML has been structured has a lot to do with it's lack of use. It's unfortunate that people don't have a flexible space to experiment in and make a home to work in. If anyone still thinks the ZML is this type of space, I'm sorry, but the fact is it's just not true. While things can change, everything has to go back to it's original state every night, and this has pretty much strangled it's use. Hopefully in the future we'll have the ability to provide a flexible space for students who want to explore things that requie a bit of space, but until then I'll make the very best with what I've got, and I encourage other students to come to the lab and do the same.

Posted by: brad | March 9, 2005 3:08 PM

yeah, the zml has been a tumbleweed friendly place... I feel like I only ever see 1-2 people unless there is a class. I think that brad is right in a lot of respects, and there have been more than a handful of nights that I've wanted to just sleep here. but I don't think that this room is totally unworkable. i don't think that most people have even really given it a shot. and in order to get 24 hour access in this building, we need to get a lot more people giving it a shot in order to justify it, I'm guessing.

Posted by: will | March 9, 2005 7:25 PM

ZML has potential if we have 24-hour access as you witnessed during the EA gala. And I suspect some of us will be pulling all-nighters to keep the place open for you to setup your shows. But as Will said, we can't justify paying staff for RZC to be there unless you will be there. And it can be a warm, messy, creative place. And perhaps during summer, we may have some funds to think of ways to make it more student-friendly. But you kids better pitch in. It is like my office at IML: it is an ugly basement but besides the department's willingness to pitch in for some IKEA stuff for me (and I was smart enough to pick cheap and pretty stuff) I made some personal investments to make it a home for me because I spend so much time there. And I didn't even blink or think twice about it, not because I make the big bucks now but because it is a quality of life decision. Which is why I accumulated so much debt during my thesis year. Quality of life is important. You don't live forever and you can't take the damn money with you when you die.

And as for making the place feel like home, my previous lab home made no such effort to make you feel that way and unless you were a PhD student, you had no home. We all floated, some for years. You have to be creative with what you have. Buy some mini coolers. Buy some cheap containers on wheels, tape your art on the walls. I have long commented on a what a creative mess is and so far only the game lab folks seem to start to get it. I am very flexible and you need to understand what that means. And no, just because you pay a buttload of tuition, it doesn't mean that you will be able to have a couch and cooler in every room. I swear that your tuition goes to landscaping. And you know what? If it didn't, you would be complaining about that like I did at UIC...:)

Posted by: marientina | March 9, 2005 10:15 PM

I just don't believe anymore that the way the ZML is currently structured (teaching, researching, and corporate meeting) will ever work well enough to be a research space. As far as people not being there and the whole 24 hr access deal, I think there are a number of reasons, but make no mistake, flexibility is the primary problem. people don't feel they can experiment without having to return everything to its original state every night. that's just a terrible way to work. the hybrid space idea has simply failed. we were given flack for just moving some track lights and chairs! in my mind, research should come first because it's our life-blood as an institution.

Posted by: brad | March 9, 2005 10:32 PM

You have to remember that CNTV is only now making a transition to also include a research area and we are the guinea pigs for it. You were given flack for more than just moving track lights. It was a cumulative thing for me because I was tired of cleaning up after everyone. Since fall, we have really stopped doing many walkthroughs but it seems to be that THAT is is life-blood of CNTV for now and until there is more room to isolate meeting areas from studio space, we will have this problem. So far, nobody has offered me any suggestions. I have received lots of flack on the other hand...Maybe my job is to receive that all the time but so far whatever I suggest from either front seems to be going nowhere. I can only work with what you give me. So what is that going to be?

Posted by: marientina | March 9, 2005 10:41 PM

Sorry, I mispoke, there were other reasons, but none that I thought warranted the response, and certainly not the chairs or lights.

I've thought hard on suggestions, and haven't reached any great ones. One could be to rent a new space for people to do space dependent work on or near campus. It can be a garage for all I care. What I do know is that the ZML doesn't work as it's currently structured. I'd like to say that the presentations should find a new space because the work that comes out of this place is more important than the benefits of multiple projections. I think the ZML is a great / innovative place for presentations, but the student work and sense of community should come first.

Posted by: brad | March 9, 2005 11:55 PM

I believe that the way Scott had thought the place would function things would work to the students' benefit. If the space was always busy and bustling and the screens were always on showing student work in progress then when we had visitors, they could just poke in their heads and see busy students and we could arrange meeting somewhere else. It wasn't meant to become what it has.

As for renting space, if you just want an empty garage, you can do that on your own. Why would the school do that? If you're talking about an augmented gallery space to do site-specific work, that requires infrastrure and some planning and it could be what we do long-term and it becomes a good space for thesis shows.

As for my response on the mess being on the hard side, guilty as charged but I will not apologize for it because I was truly fed up of being cleaning lady. Mind you that I once received a much harsher email targeting me at EVL from someone in staff and now I know how she felt. Perhaps one day, you will be fed up and send out an email like that. If I filtered everything that came through my head I would never send out any email. Isn't that the whole point? Maybe you all expect me to adhere to some polite level of bureaucracy but I am professional where I need to be and straight-up with the people in my community. You should never expect any different of me.

Posted by: marientina | March 10, 2005 12:35 AM

I can understand where your coming from.

Posted by: brad | March 10, 2005 8:42 AM

Oh, and I have sent out those e-mails ;)

Posted by: brad | March 10, 2005 8:43 AM

marientina

Countdown to YOUR MFA

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