marientina

Somewhere between contemplating whether I truly need another pair of shoes while people in Pakistan are still waiting for their after-quake rescue, the Sudafed (I have a cold) has kicked in and is keeping me up all night. Thankfully, the post from Brad around 1.30am is making me feel not so nuts for being up late again, and it reminds me once again about that wonderful race to graduation. No, no, (readers who don't know me): I am not graduating but we have a new batch of cookies in the oven ...er I mean MFA students. Or should I say MFA candidates? That is btw the correct title for you 3rd year students.

I sat through the first official MFA thesis planning session and even though heavily sedated and buried deep into research on network attached storage, I was excited... Somewhere between the grandiose thinking, the thoughts about projection, promotion, experience design and random left-field jokes, I felt the jitter by proxy. I am so looking forward to this!

I often wonder the following because as I get older, I gotta evaluate to survive. When I was younger I used to say that I shall only regret things I didn't do but of course that is bullshit. After all, I regret ever hurting anybody, I regret a few boyfriends here and there and I regret taking that Sudafed pill.

I am sure many of you are wondering about the same things so I will pass on to you what I have discovered and you can take it or leave it. That is the beauty of the blog after all: it is elective reading.

a. Did I do the right thing by getting an MFA
Absolutely, positively yes. It wasn't just a fetish although I was in love with EVL since I was 15 years old. I remember doing applications for it, and I went to my advisor Dan Sandin with the arrogance of any 20 year-old who already had a kick-ass job, and I asked him "what do you have to offer to me and why should I do this in the first place?". I think he was stumped. But he was a good sport so he told me that the MFA wasn't about getting a job: it was about doing something you really want and it was a good time to grow.

You see the problem with my job at the time was that it was all-consuming and I was an artist, and I didn't have any time to do what I wanted. So in a way, going into an MFA program was like me buying time for myself to study and grow. I had to buy my own time to study - I wasn't buying Dan's time or anybody elses, that's for damn sure.

In doing my MFA I had the opportunity to teach all over town for four years, I did research, I did IT, I did writing, I did art and I did an MFA show. And in between, I still did my consulting work to pay some more bills. In IT, one would call all this 'bleeding-edge' load-balancing...And did I mention that I made some incredible new friends? Since I went to a state-school funded with my tax dollars, I have to say that it had a great return-on-investment.

Greg Dawe (a really cool person) told me once that the MFA was the most versatile degree you could ever get. My long-time friend Donald Nielsen told me to make sure whatever degree I got wouldn't wedge me into some category and to keep throwing more into the melting pot. I guess all that had an impact on a young mind back then. And thanks to my father, I have skills that will always find me a job no matter what else happens so I never worried about being able to make money. My family made and lost so much that not much scares me, except for major illness of course.

So yes. The MFA was worth it. I highly recommend it if you have an open mind and if you are willing to get your hands dirty.

b. Am I in the right place?
Say what you want but it only matters if I feel right in my place. University pay is very crappy unless you have seniority and the benefits are worth it only if you have a family. In fact, I made more as a self-employed person, could save much more if I wanted through a self-employment retirement account and get a whole lot more tax-deductions. And if it weren't for the fact that I always try to choose what is interesting instead of what is profitable, I would have a very high paying job at a company or would have opted to become a more purebred academic and published more and exhibited more and pursued a tenure-track job somewhere.

I kinda tried all of it and I wasn't happy. The industry jobs - been there done that and I much more preferred to consult for small businesses or not-for-profit organizations...Teaching? Well, I do miss teaching but full-time faculty jobs are not for me yet. I am such a control freak that I would rather do the monkey work staff has to do than have someone else do it for me...Teaching art and tech at smaller schools was the most enjoyable thing I ever did. But I did burn out quick because I was full-time grad and teaching 2-3 classes off-campus. What can I say? I am an overachiever.

So why take the job here? Of course I was grateful to be a contestant but I had to think long and hard about it. But I think that if you kids keep graduating and making me proud for any contribution I made to you success, then I am happy. And if things get more streamlined, I can work on some of my projects and that will make me more happy. And sure, a few more bucks would really help. I got student loans too. And a shoe addiction apparently...

So make me proud kids because that is 1/3 of my motivation to be here. The other 2/3's are for Fisher to figure out (it is a joke - relax).

Since my MFA show two plus years ago, I have managed to get into all kinds of stuff besides this job which includes loads of monkey work. Outside of this job I do some small things, some big things and all things that I choose and that interest me. And now, I can finally do things that make a difference in some people's lives. And that is a big thing for me. It is enormous and I have that opportunity because I have an MFA and my field of view is wide open.

Growing up in a socialist-capitalist- birthplace-of-democracy-kind-of-place (take a wild guess), I was taught that every vote counts and every gesture has a meaning. It was always about how the one or the few made a difference for the many. And I am not talking about grandiose gestures or taking over the world, but small gestures. That is the quintessential definition of social work (and did I mention that USC is a four-star charity?)

I used to think 'but is it art?'. But now I think who cares? If it makes a difference, it is what I do. And sometimes, it is art that I make.

(And if you are wondering how on earth this blog post makes a difference in your life: if I can vent, share and go to sleep and be cheery tomorrow, it will benefit many of you...)

c. Do I really want a PhD?
So this is a big issue these days. Lots of MFA's are getting PhD's for all kinds of different reasons. Some feel inadequate, some want to switch disciplines, some feel they have the energy and focus and there are all kinds of other reasons. Those who think they can get more money just for the PhD - they are crazy. If you suck with an MS, MA or MFA, you will probably suck with a PhD too...And yes I know that many people slip through the system, but many also self-select so it evens out in the end...

In my first few months in CA, I applied for a PhD in Education. It was a long shot since the application was very last minute, it was crappily done, my tests sucked since I hadn't taken a standardized test in ten years and to top it all off, two of my recommendation letters came in late so I was immediately disqualified. Bummer yes. But as they say, one door closes and another one opens. I can only be mad and depressed for stuff like that for only a few hours, at most a week (I did mope).

These days, I feel strongly that the MFA is a terminal degree. But it is only if you put the effort into it. If we all did that, and if we defended it and the quality of our work showed it, it would truly be a terminal degree. A PhD is a totally different beast and I am not sure I have the attention span and desire to put all my eggs into one basket for the time it takes to do it. Talk to me again about that in a few years...It is like me trying to buy a PDA: what I really want isn't in the market yet.

So there.

The Sudafed is starting to wear off and I gotta pee so this is it for now. Another over-the-counter-medicine induced rant. Who needs recreational drugs if I can write all this with a lousy 30mg of pseudoephedrine?