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January 26, 2005

Conflicted

"Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire..." Why am I furiously accelerating onto the 10, half blinded by tears of frustration, with Metallica and the San Francisco Symphony cranked so loud I can't hear or feel the tires of my Neon on the pavement anymore? I just spent the last 8 hours hearing from top execs at EA, and it has left me feeling incredibly empowered and overwhelmingly impotent. I feel empowered because I know I fit the description of someone who could do well in that industry, someone who could be interested in all aspects of production, of learning the different languages and worlds of the people involved. I mean, I was a history major who took a 300-level Computer Graphics class, Math Structures, and love theater. And then I made myself go out and get into Interactive Media. Hell, I went to the lectures this afternoon just because I thought it was important to know what is going on in that arena, not at all because I know I want to get into game design. And that fact, even more than being one of maybe 5 girls in the audience, made me feel alienated in that auditorium. Which leads me to the sense of impotence that is consuming me right now.

I find myself missing terribly the liberal arts setting where boundaries are set up to be knocked down, where liminal (God, did I just say liminal?) spaces are explored and exploded. I'm sick of the category "women and old people". I'm sick of the condescending tone that I heard echoed today in the audience laughter in response to how women on Pogo are competing for badges that you don't even get to show off to anyone. I'm sick of the phrase "girl games". And I'm sick of how self- perpetuating the games industry seems to be. OK, so I understand that you can't design for a vague target person, that ultimately you have to design for yourself - but right now the selves that can stomach the current attitudes in corporate game design are going to make the same old games. A woman designer is not necessarily going to design a game that appeals to women. Nor should she have to! But on the other hand, who else is going to do that? I guess that's why I feel so torn right now. I'll have to process it more, but my initial reaction to everything I heard today is that I could go into this field and possibly succeed, but I don't think I'm interested. But on the other hand do I have a responsibility to use my position and resources and try to represent unheard audiences of people like myself? Are we in this program for ourselves? I can't help but be haunted by the admonition "From those to whom much has been granted, much is expected." I feel a great responsibility while in this program to learn as much as possible about as many different areas as possible. But I don't know where to take that knowledge and power afterwards and to what use to put it. Who is depending on me, and for what?

I've run out of steam for the moment and run out of other hands to expound upon. I guess I have to figure out just what I desire before I can demand it from anyone besides the reverberating air in my empty car.

Posted by rosenblj at January 26, 2005 10:33 PM

Comments

Wow! That was very poetic...and quite poignant. I myself have continually gone through the same type of thinking regarding the game industry. I think I "could" do it, but I'm less and less sure I want to each day. I think for me, it's partially about wanting to be more than just a cog in the industry machine. I want my stories & ideas to see the light of day, rather than being covered over by "design" for the sake of design. All you hear about is the "designers"--not the "writers" or "directors". I'm tired of people like John Carmack, who think story in games is useless.

I also hear you on the point of whether this program is "just for me" or for a larger purpose. As of late, a desire has grown in me to infuse my work with themes that speak to my own views & beliefs, particularly my faith. Feeling blessed as I do just to be here makes me wonder whether I shouldn't use my position for some good that is greater than mere personal career advancement.

Hang in there and remember that you don't need to have all the answers right now (as much as we'd all like to...) Just keep following your gut feelings & interests and you'll be fine.

Posted by: msteffen [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 27, 2005 01:49 AM

thank you for sharing this.

Posted by: susana [TypeKey Profile Page] at March 9, 2005 10:05 PM

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