Jess Goes Interactive

Well Jess, as someone who has never ever belonged all her life I can say that this particular part of you may never change. People always have to apologize to me for being the only woman in a room, or at least act like it. I never belonged in my rich high school, never belonged in my father's business meetings and trips, never belonged in my jobs but somehow it is that challenge that I enjoy.

Mark knew that he would be misunderstood for saying that you can't change yourself but he said it anyway. What he meant was that you have to first accept your deficiencies and work around them. When you truly accept who you are and then only you may stand a chance to change what you want of yourself.

As for a coherent schedule, that is nearly impossible to do if you are grad student, unless you were previously a marine with stealth training. But as I said before, if you embrace the chaos you may be able to control it. You have female grad student disorder syndrome and that is normal.

Some of what was going on last night was immature and uncomfortable and it would have been ok to just walk away. At the same time, if you do you show weakness you risk become alienated. More than anything, you need to observe other people's weaknesses, especially those you will be around for a while. They are all just as uncomfortable as you are but they show it in a different way.

As for Rick, we all love Rick and he knows it. It is a tough love because Rick puts himself out there to be devoured, and people devour him. He is fearless in saying whatever and that is why we love him. He brainstorms outloud...You can't expect not to receive any comments when you say 'i decided i need to stop reading books'. He expects all the commentary that comes after. And yes, sometimes the commentary is a bit harsh.

If you are outraged, speak loud and clear in class. If you are offended and disturbed, say it and/or walk out. Nobody will ever know how you feel otherwise. Empathy has to be taught to people sometimes.

And as for food, I was guilty there too until my health reminded me I couldn't screw that up. It is funny how illness makes people change...Hmm...did I say that people change? Yes indeed they do. Others can change you with abuse. You can change yourself with acceptance or due to punishment received from within through a major illness. That is your body's way to create empathy for yourself.

Jess,

Thanks so much for sharing your feelings here. I can completely relate to everything you said here. To be honest, I think a major reason I don't like coming to seminar is that I often feel like people there don't really care whether I'm there or not. Everyone seems to keep to themselves or to the few people they already know well. I try to break this by going around talking to people afterwards, but feel that this hasn't really solved that either.

I disagree that we can't change things about ourselves at this point in our life. I've changed and grown so much since starting grad school, that I know this isn't true.

I'm terrible at admitting weakness or defeat. I guess I wasn't courageous enough to admit it on the public blog (this time), but last night, I did send a long email to a friend. In it, I admitted to her how scared I am about this semester and about finishing my thesis project; how I've been afraid to show that fear to anyone. I mean, I don't want people to think I don't know what I'm doing or lose faith in me.

Jess, Marientina, I would LOVE to just sit down and talk with each of you sometime--not about Telmahre, or grad school, or network issues--but about LIFE! There just isn't enough emotional support in this department. We need to change that.

Forced diversity, affirmative action, they are aging policies but they do serve one purpose - they break up the monocultural white sausage party that can characterize disciplines like ours.

Thanks for airing your moment of dissent. You're an intense person (we are all in our way); I'm glad you're letting some of that intensity out through your fingers where we can share your reflections.

And continue to reach for good conduct! And shared learning with multiple voices.

I echo Justin's sentiments above, and much of your post articulated my own thoughts from Wed night's seminar. I kept thinking I was the only female in the room, and would look around to remind myself I wasn't alone. Like you, I don't often feel like that, though I am often in that situation. It was a strange dynamic.

I just saw on my Zen thought-a-day calendar something so incredibly relevant, I had to post it. It is from the Zen master Jakusho Kwong:

"People want so much. We want to be someone else. 'I want to be stronger.' 'I want to be more directed.' 'I want to be superwoman.' But it's not possible. You must accept your condition. But 'accept' is active. Who you are is active. Passive acceptance-that's the immobile, inanimate Zen. It's not the Zen I'm talking about. There's passion here. Spirit for the quest. This is important: the sincerity of our quest and how we go about it. It's a long path. Are you prepared? Do you want to walk on this path? Don't think about it too much. Just walk! C'mon, let's go! That's Zen."

I hate to say that I can't remember what happened last seminar... I remember the ragging of Rick and Bolas. Oh... and Jesse's ify movie :)

If I did anything to offend, I am truly sorry. It's entirely possible that I said something that I didn't think of at the time and don't recall it now. The last thing I wanna be is an insensitive jerk... at least more than normal ;)

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